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I've come to something of an epiphany or two.

Firstly....that I have not known, in any of my opposite-sex relationships that went at all beyond friendship up to now, what I really wanted from them. Besides the obvious. :P This is not, I suppose, entirely a bad thing - after all, I doubt anyone at my level of (in)experience really knows what they want at all. But I doubt that's the only reason.

For one, there's that old saw about "beggars can't be choosers" - I tend to take what I can get. Not only that, but my nature runs so much to the accomodating side that I become some sort of romantic chameleon - if there is someone I want, I adapt to whatever role they ask of me, friend, or lover, or something in between, because I seek to please them.

Who knows what colour a chameleon really is? Who knows what I really want? Until I can answer that better than "whatever I can get", maybe chasing after serious relationships is not the thing for me right now. I think that on some level I've always known that - so why have I been doing it?

It's a little shaming to admit this, I suppose - I take too much pride in marching (or hobbling) to the beat of my own drummer to easily realise that it isn't always true. *laughs* I guess that that particular piece of socialisation took more root than usual. I was never taught to believe that dating people, even the same people, without the goal of a serious long-term romantic relationship in mind, was a plausible option. I believed that girls saw right through that sort of thing and booted those foolish enough to try it to curbs. As is often the case when theory meets practice, I have since seen otherwise.

I am really terribly surprised that I persisted in that belief for so long. I am ordinarily all about the shades of grey, and I try not to make generalisations because they're the lazy way out. But there you are. Plus, you know, with the whole craving female companionship thing, and the generally devoted, kind, and loyal personality...recipe for excessive clinginess. Stir well, marinate in frustration, serves one.

I think that I am prepared to test the possibility that I might have been wrong all these years, and try my hand at exploring the uncharted zones between friendship and consuming romantic love.

Wish me luck.



( Walk among 5 shadows — Cast a shadow )
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 3rd, 2005 03:51 pm (UTC)
*shrugs* Possibly. If I really knew what I was looking for, I wouldn't be here. :) But I suppose that comes closest.

Aug. 3rd, 2005 11:18 pm (UTC)
Re: Thanks.
Good Luck! Interesting piece of introspective there...
Aug. 4th, 2005 04:13 am (UTC)
Re: Thanks.
Introspective is my middle name.

Or it should be, but my birth certificate is really too much of a mess as it stands. :P

Aug. 4th, 2005 04:03 am (UTC)
Good luck. May we both find what we're looking for whatever it may be. :)
Aug. 4th, 2005 04:44 am (UTC)
One upside to not having a freaking clue is that the journey can be half the fun. :)

( Walk among 5 shadows — Cast a shadow )