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A Metastatic Monologue

So Supreme Commander finally arrived yesterday. For some reason my drive can't read the bonus DVD (which I wasn't expecting to receive), but I doubt there was anything on it I wanted anyway. :) Look me up as Dallan on GPGNet if you want to play multiplayer against me, or bug me through any of the usual channels in case I'm not logged on there.

(Speaking of which, Andy, when is this Saturday LAN thing starting? There are a couple of errands I need to run beforehand.)

I also got an unexpected box of chocolates from my mother. I suppose it was meant for Valentine's Day, but the post office, as ever, throws wrenches in plans. Still, it was sweet, even if that's never been a day I associated with gifts from family.

Today/night's going to be fun. I have a take home midterm to write for my Canadian Foreign Policy class. It's the only midterm I have to write, on the bright side, and aside from that and the short story I have to write for next Tuesday, the next few days are pretty easy. Except for the looming Twin Term Papers of Terror due around the end of the month.

I haven't been sleeping very well of late. I'm not riding the edge of emotional breakdown anymore, I think, but I think I'll almost be happy if I don't get accepted to law school for the fall - I'm clearly burning out on the whole academic process. Or maybe it's not so much the academic process as it is all the things it's meant to my personal situation.

University is not just something I wanted to do, it was something I had to do. It was a chance to associate with some beautiful minds and cultivate my own. At the same time, it was the best, arguably the only way out of most of the things I hate about my life, from poverty and shitty jobs, to dependency, my...stressful family situation, and living out in the middle of nowhere, to loneliness in all its forms. But of course, it's meant prolonging them all in the meantime.

The way that fate's conspired to tie all these together, the small victories have been few and far between. But I look to the horizon and see that in a mere couple of months, I can really start to end them all. I can get a job I may even like, earn some money to move somewhere that doesn't suck, actually have a social life again, be able to afford to date again, generally start digging my way out of this hole...

...or, I can dive deeper in for another three years and pray I don't suffocate in the meantime, in hopes of coming out with a bigger shovel. If I really wanted to be a lawyer, it'd be different, it'd be just another level of necessary evil and I could probably put up with it like I have. But it's growing clear that I don't. Or at least, not enough to spend another three years like this right now.

Comments

( Walk among 2 shadows — Cast a shadow )
siobhan63
Mar. 3rd, 2007 05:07 pm (UTC)
Jon's always looking for people to play Supreme Commander online. He's trying to get a game together with some friends from the UK - Sunday, but not sure when.
bob13
Mar. 6th, 2007 12:25 am (UTC)
??
Why in the name of $DEITY would you dive deeper into an environment you don't like, specializing in doing something you're not really sure you want to do, to get to a place you're not sure you want to be?

Finish the semester, get your paper, and then go get a regular, everyday job (admittedly, one of the well-paying ones). If you are really meant to be a lawyer or spend a few more years in the gulag...err, "educational system"... it will become clear to you. Until then, enjoy the monotony of a 9-5, and the financial freedom (ish) that comes with it.
And if you still feel down after you have the job and the money rolling in, 4 words for you:

Mail
Order
Russian
Bride
( Walk among 2 shadows — Cast a shadow )